You say, you feel different, have always felt different. At school, with family and friends, you were always different. This this feeling of alienness has been there for ever. You never had a cheerleader you never were a cheerleader; you have always been the ugly duckling.
This feeling of alienness sometimes works like an invisibility cloak
You were safe within. You had accepted to be alien always and everywhere. Whenever someone tried to take your side, seemed to have similar thoughts, it felt like dishonest ingratiation you. Because you were alien. Who knows what friendships could have grown if you only realised earlier those others had this feeling of alienness, too. Many of them for the same reasons as you.
The young swans only see ugly ducklings around them.
For some time now you seem to know what makes you different. Your mind works differently and perhaps your feelings, too. Probably someone told you that smart alecks like you quite often seem to be gifted. Obviously, you did what you always do: you started to investigate. Could it be that the feeling of alienness was about giftedness?
Could it be that your mind is simply faster?
Your perceptions are so different, deeper, and more precise, and you are frequently overwhelmed. Are you perhaps a highly sensitive person? Is that what distinguishes you from others who are mentally equal to you? And is it perhaps your clever head that prevents you from getting along with other highly sensitive people, for whom the world is often very black-and-white or only pastel coloured?
For some too gifted, for others too sensitive – caught between two stools again.
Even in a group of people that share your interests you still have this feeling of alienness. Perhaps you like the same books and share a kind of humour. But you seem to be the only one that really feels the impact of what you say in the others. You are the only one constantly complaining about temperature and sound intensity. Alien, laughed at, never taken seriously. But you are alien even to those, who hear the grass growing and feel every note of the music: you are looking for rational explanations and practical solutions rather than considering yourself a poor victim. Alien, irritating, antagonistic.
There are others like you, there are other swans!
Do not stop searching. Stay open to the wonder of being understood. Nothing compares to the feeling of finally being understood for who you really are. Without explanations, without pretence, without fear and without a feeling of strangeness. These are people who know what you are saying. Maybe not exactly like you but similar enough to be understanding. Maybe they call themselves Renaissance souls or polymaths. Maybe they are as lost as you feel.
And if you find someone, a single person, that can follow your thoughts and understand your perceptions, keep them close and never let them go again!
This could be a friend, a teacher, a colleague, a nephew or an aunt; the nature of the relationship you have with them is utterly irrelevant. The important thing is that you give each other a sense of belonging.
The sense of belonging heals the feeling of alienness.
You will still be alien to most people in most situations, but now you know why. That makes it easier. Communicating openly about these differences helps to relieve your everyday life. The contact with your fellow swans, even if it is rare, will give you the strength.
You can find your swans anywhere, but in the age of the Internet it has become easier. Find a regular meeting like the Bunte Tafelrunde, a club like Mensa or a suitable hobby. Now that you know what kind of people you are looking for, it will be easier for you to recognise each other.
And believe me, we are everywhere!
Heartfelt, wherever you are,